Dream fragment: I star in a sitcom about a man named Adolph Titler

Special Arms Regimental Troops: FARTs. (It’s an implied F)

Dancing is 98% stupid. Nothing else has that kind of stupidity rate.
If one more shallow little bitch tells me to smile, I’m gonna rip out some colon.

Bitch and Flinch, a metaphor in four-quart harmony.

Upon learning that the Concorde had crashed in Paris: “Who cares? It was full of Germans!’ -N

G: “I have a 17-month-old kid now.”
R: “Congratulations!”
G: “All I did was f*ck my wife.”

“I need my alone time so I can stop thinking about killing people.” -Z

Most guys are just grunting piles of hamburger.

The Dick Tater Center for Advanced Shutting the F*ck Up

“Entertainment Energy for Tomorrow!” -Movie studio slogan, 1958

“Green, golf ball sized chunks of gism shoot from your lover’s penis, ripping your uterus to shreds.” -C, audio tape, 1987

“We had Playboys in the fuselage.” -C

“She writes sideways to be all artistic and all this miserable sh*t.” -C

“We can’t have our dirty balls on your table.” -N

The trick to dealing with hateful, controlling, angry people: don’t marry them.

“I would never have known to put my nuts in the refrigerator.” -C

“We need to go to a strip club and experience true love.” -U

I’d rather have a free bottle of water in front of me and a belly-button outie than a fleabag motel in northern Pottowatomie County.

The Bach nocturne mock knock-off.

“I never tried dog food, but it smelled so good! I have a dog dookie story, but I don’t want to tell it. Some weird form of Easter egg hunting; we were grabbing poop as fast as we could.” -U

Dick Van Dyke: you have to admire a man with both “Dick” and “Dyke” in his name.

Real names of guys at my high school:
-Flake Owen
-Dick Harden

Titles for a story about a jerk we knew:
He is a Prick
Dump the God
Patterns of Force
He Drinks, He Lies, Dump Him
The Horrifying Tale of Two-Dicks Ferguson
Infected Adonis
Behold a God Who Bleeds
Cock of Apollo
The Effortless Protuberance
Year of the Ox
Burned Black
Scar Tissue
No Cherry in Sight
A Merciless Foreskin

I have begun referring to my laundry as “butt groceries.”

Probing the Love Canal by Ayn L. Raper

“I need some outside insight.” -K

He knew everyone would stare at his crotch because he was getting a cock leer implant.

“You are one weirdo-plug dude-lick.” -Guy on internet who just doesn’t get it

“‘Cause every girl’s afraid of a Star Trek fan…” -ZZZ Top