X-Gen Remorse Over the Atrocity

My story will start like this: “David and Shannon met each other… no, those are stupid names. You’d think I wrote this in college.”

Barking up the wrong fish.

Modern-day Rufus.

I named my first girlfriend’s breasts Frank and Ernest.


I was the kind of guy who missed winter. Even when it was still winter.

“Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?”
“Could be. I’ve been somewhere before.”

“How do you know if you’re a vegetarian?” -Girl
“Your birth certificate has a V on it.” -Me

Hollywood rejected my idea for a James Bond film called, “Brownfinger.”

Chacahoocha National Fish Slimery.

I am like an apple: red on the outside, sweet most of the way through, but with bitter, chewy seeds in the middle.

Dichotomy of sex appeal of hair: my wife has sexy hair, but nothing hairy in me is sexy.

My step-daughter pronounces it Atchafalaya, but I pronounce it Atchafalaya.

“No smiles, no frowns, just get those panties down.” -Real banner on pickup window, June 2011

It’s not over until the fat lady stinks.


  1. did the pickup have those fake rubber testicles hanging from the trailer hitch?

  2. I want a movie about British Secret Agent 010. That’s what they’d call him. Zero-Ten.

    Oh, whatever.

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