Dial J for Jesus

“Me writing poetry is like taking a dump. I don’t want to be anywhere near the product, but the process is okay.” -D

“AAAAAH! I forgot the oats! You got me talking about Jesus and I forgot the oats.” -D

by Xavier Cugat

Dick Tater,
I have a confession for you
we go along with you because
we are afraid that you’ll
take our microwave oven away
When you said
“You are free to do what I say,”
we believed and followed because
you said it on TV, didn’t you?
I  don’t trust my neighbor
she doesn’t like the TV
not like we do, anyway.
Let me hold onto my
cheap fruit
cheap gas
fruit gas
cheap cheap
And you can go along
bossing away

by Dick Tater

Your artistic sense is,
shall I say
shallow in respect to the
requirements of the state.
Do you uplift the masses?
Have you sung my praises?
Did you paint a pretty picture of my horse?
What use do I have for a
peon like you?
I care for you and you
produce tripe.
A load of armed men with
homosexual mustaches
will pull into your barrio
they will be in a U. S. Army surplus
Jeep will take you to police station where
They’ll electically engineer your anus
until you like it.
Then your pissant scratchings
won’t be

“Thank you, shoe shine boy. You are both kind and gentle.” -Guy in Denny’s, quoting something. (If you have information about what Denny’s guy might have been quoting, please, please contact us at once.)

Hay fever. Hay pneumonia. Hay coma. My last breath is a sneeze.

Cowpotamus. Tubekido. Cadaver’s vaginaskin. Gustatory rhinitis. Apple cider necklace.

“Romance is just a bunch of smarmy, limp-wristed narcissistic mental masturbation.” -R
“Yes, but like all masturbation, it still feels good.” -T

Vegans are happy because it’s impossible to be morose when you’re farting all the time.

“Real life sucks losers dry.” -Heathers

“It’s nothing a jar of Vaseline and a bucket of doorknobs wouldn’t fix.” -D quoting an imaginary conversation with B

She is the shoulder-tensest person we know.

“Yay, M! You spooge!” -T

“Do you want a penis-shaped one? There are all kinds. Big and veiny and everything.” -?

Dog rammit!

“I’ve had some poops that kinda scared me. I was afraid they wouldn’t go down.” -T

“What if you looked at your own anus and saw the Virgin Mary?” -D
“My butthole looks like Andrew Jackson.” -T
“Isn’t that the fifty dollar bill?” -M

God just thought it up and did it. What balls.

“How long have you been single?” -Woman in shoe store
“All my life.” -R

“She doesn’t b’stand you guys!” -R, age 3

Cornbread on chili
Farts really silly

Note to self: research tickling fatalities.

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