Unhappy People Setting Me Straight

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” ~Maya Angelou

My wise 10th grade English teacher, Gil Hernandez, wrote this note in my journal, which he read and graded every nine weeks. The message, "Reach out to those who accept and not those slap your hand," is obvious to me now, but one that took me years and years to learn and relearn.
My wise 10th grade English teacher, Gil Hernandez, wrote this note in my journal, which he read and graded every nine weeks. The message, “Reach out to those who accept and not those slap your hand,” is obvious to me now, but one that took me years and years to learn and relearn.

An important truth I have grudgingly learned over the years: most people are very happy to be very unhappy.

I thought about this for a long time after someone I once liked decided to set me straight about what a terrible person I am. It was sudden, unexpected, and intentionally cruel. It was abuse.

My first clue was when I wished her a happy birthday in a text message, and she replied, “I don’t feel very happy.” My second clue was when I saw her and told her she looked good, she declined the compliment.

Of course, there was a long history of clues about her, from the fact that all my friends, and even some of her friends, told me she wouldn’t be good for me (or anyone), to the fact that when she divorced and I asked her out years ago, she told me she “didn’t think she deserved” my affections “after what’s happened.”

Back to last month: It seemed like we were having a nice lunch, then she just suddenly laid into me, in the form of a 90-second rundown of what she hated about me, that was loud enough for other patrons in the restaurant to hear. As she berated me, I watched her open her purse and pull out a $20, which she threw onto the table to pay for her lunch, then said, “Don’t follow me out!”

It was surreal.

As I turned this all around in my head, I kept thinking about her actions, and the ways that we define sociopaths, and it really started to fit. Sociopaths lack empathy, don’t feel guilty about hurting others, are often impulsive and prone to fits of rage, and are often openly hostile in inappropriate situations.

And part of me wants to know why it would even be of interest to say these things. Why did she ever answer the phone? Why did she call me back? Why did she agree to see me? Why? If she really hated me all that much, why did she ever have anything to do with me?

Mission accomplished, though, right? One fewer person who thinks highly of her, one more excuse for hating herself, one more reason to be angry at the world.

Without question, her goal couldn’t have been to change anything for the better.

And, although it definitely isn’t my problem, she is one of the least happy people I have ever known.

It was interesting to see several people offer up explanations for her behavior, such as the death of a loved one or health problems, but those are excuses, not reasons, and that is one of the ways sociopaths continue to manipulate things, by getting adherents to believe their excuses.

I am also cognizant of the fact that part of why I was willing to put up with her was that she was cute. I know that makes me sound shallow, but at least I am admitting it.

The bottom line, then, is for me to remain vigilant about abusers, gaslighters, and sociopaths, recognize ways to disarm them and keep them out of my life, all while still remaining open to, and able to recognize, real human interactions and intimacy.

An old saying says, "Trust in Allah, but tie your camel."
An old saying says, “Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.”