Q: How many vegetarians does it take to shingle a roof?
A: 16 if you slice them thin enough.

“I swear to cow!” -Facebook friend, quoting The Big Bang Theory

X dreamed that if he didn’t photograph the bedroom in narrow, alternating lines, he would get diabetes.

Is a potato that grows in Carlsbad Caverns a stalactato?

I dreamed about someone from my past. She wanted to be friends again, but I told her off, and then symbolically threw a bent screw onto the roof of a building downtown to indicate we would never be friends again.

X thinks “relaxing” is the most overrated human endeavor ever. You can “relax” in a hundred years.

Y went bird hunting with rocks in the arctic the other day; left no tern unstoned.

“I am duck, hear me quack, from my front side to my crack!” -Me, c. 1995

Chicken cow: “Bawck moo!”

Band name: Portugese Man of Peace.

If you Google search for my wife by her current name, you get her web site. If you search for her by her previous name, you get this: “Abby Milligan, 30, stout wench. Formerly the property of John Willoughby of Norfolk County, Virginia; left him 7 years ago.”

“Sliced, no diaper.”

X thanks you for choosing Barron, Wasteland, Atwater and Sturr, Attorneys at Lunch.

Watching children play last night, I thought of how much time it would save them if they would just shout, “I call unfair advantage!”

From Harper’s Index:
Number of people in India who currently have access to a mobile phone : 617,500,000
Number who have access to a toilet : 366,000,000

I dreamed that Abby and I were sneaking the cast of CSI to Mexico. While pretending to be Mexicans in a convenience store, it dawned on us while trying to buy a Mojito that we didn’t speak Spanish.

I rarely joins groups of people who share similar beliefs as I do, because people like me annoy me.

“To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.” -Woody Allen from Love and Death

Our Wii says my physical age is 115, and my emotional age was below it’s programming limits. This may be because I made our console’s nickname “Wii Wii.”

I dreamed it was 1960. This upset me for two reasons: 1) I didn’t have internet access, and 2) I would be 87 in the year 2000.