Unicorn Facts

While explaining to my coworkers today that a quarter pound of unicorn rump was on sale for just $5.95 at the local grocery, I decided that I would share these interesting facts about unicorns.

  • Unicorn meat is among the leanest, healthiest meat available today.
  • After eating unicorn meat, many people report farting stars, particularly if they leap while farting.
  • The word “unicorn” means “one corn,” since the unicorn will only eat p-methyl-amino-tetra-ethyl-corn grown in the northwestern steppes of Antarctica.
  • Like tuna, a single unicorn can provide sufficient meat for thousands of servings. While roughly the size of a slaughter steer, unicorns are much denser. An average unicorn weighs roughly that of a World War II main battle tank.
  • The Native Americans used unicorn hides to build airplanes and suspension bridges.
  • Many unicorn horns have been crafted into fine swords, most of which remain in service with our soldiers in Iraq and Jamaica.
  • King Louis the XIV had a bowling alley, King Louis Lanes, built for his amusement made entirely of unicorn bones and organs.
  • Before switching to White Ash, Major League Baseball teams used milled unicorn horns as bats.
  • Unicorns bred in captivity cannot read or do crossword puzzles, and often suffer from hip dysplasia and hyperincontinence.
  • Unicorn horns are faintly radioactive. For this reason, most unicorn handlers wear leaded underpants.
  • Like the legendary centaur, unicorns are part horse and part man, the human portion of the unicorn being the genitals.
  • Unicorn meat has several special characteristics. For example, a microwave oven has no effect on it, since unicorn flesh does not absorb energy above about 76kHz.
  • Only two species are capable of interbreeding with unicorns, dolphins and ostriches.



  1. They’re also protected by a gay scientologist who runs around with no pants and ends up with Mia Sara after I treat her to dinner and dancing. Life isn’t fair.

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