X is now taking himself too seriously for the 14000th straight day!

Regis Philbin <—> Philbis Region

“No one is online.” -Facebook

X is changing what “LOL” means. From now on, it’s “Living Our Lives.” Please adjust your usage.

X is also changing what “ROFL” means. From now on, it refers to “Really Ordinary Freaking Losers.” Don’t make me tell you twice.

I wonder if, after the first successful atomic bomb test in New Mexico, Robert Oppenheimer high-fived Enrico Fermi and said, “Fission accomplished!”

Maybe he leaned over close to Enrico and asked, “NOW who has the Fermi?”

80s joke: “What’s grosser than Olivia Newton John in Grease?” A: Come on Eileen.

X’s Facebook page is specially designed to magnify its luster and enhance its visual impact.

X had a completely straightforward dream last night about the toilet overflowing.

“He’s degreasing journalism.” -Misheard

“F•ck all a ya’ll motherf•ckers.” -Slogan

I am not Herbert. (For the record, I am Sherbert.)

Situation: unwittingly sleeping in dog vomit.

Heard on the police scanner: “Change the queen to an ocean.”

ABCDEFGHIJK elemental pee.

Tongue twister I wrote while driving home one night: Delicious celery sells swiftly.