Ich bin ein dustmite!

Little known fact: Italian is actually just Spanish spoken with a French accent.

Real names of AOL chat rooms, night of 6-15-02…

-Guys who lick it up
-Men who wear panties
-Sweet but anal
-Daddy slipped it in
-I steal dirty undeez
-Seed my wife
-Mom takes son’s load
-Lick my sweat socks now
-Shemale connection
-Amputee subs
-Rover needs relief
-Preg belly roleplay
-Wife has harry crack
-Creamy mess U
-Mommie’s sissy
-Payne receptacle
-Crowd groping
-Ruape fantasi
-Golden trickle

AOL installed some filters to prevent chat rooms like this. For some reason after that, it became popular to include a lot of Ks to beat the filter. Example: Hoktteeknpussky

“Ain’t nothing like a slice of the damp!” -The Gauntlet

Descartes goes into a restaurant. The waiter asks him if he’s like some coffee. “I think not!” he answers, and disappears.

(Again, if you don’t get this joke and don’t know who René Descartes was, please don’t endanger yourself by going any further.)

Lemon-scented ammonia. You decide.

Inflation in Brazil since 1980: 146,000,000,000%

Real question I asked my neighbor in 1993:
“Rhonda, do you know whose body this is in your parking place?”

Later that night, Rhonda told me, “The last people who lived here were fags!”

Dream: A married caveman and cavewoman were living in our pond. My wife ordered a Model-T for them with a bathtub full of Epsom salts.

Dream: I am a cadet at a University in a military-style TV production program. The first assignment is to climb through a huge metal Slinky. The professor appears on a huge video screen overlooking the class and accuses me of hiding a tequila mug in my pants.

I had a friend named Johnny once. He told us that to die “in cold blood” meant that you died with your eyes open. He also said that “take five” meant to take five deep breaths.

1992: I put on a huge pot of split pea soup with copious amounts of garlic, then lie down for a nap. Twenty minutes later I awoke dreaming I was in a nerve gas attack.

1992: Playing racquetball with a co-worker, I accidentally whacked him in the nuts with the ball. He was on the floor in pain, unable to move, for five full minutes.

Federal Ex-Lax: When it absolutely, positively has to be out overnight.
UPS Laxative: We run the tightest ship in the sh*tting business.

“I’m about as confused as a termite in a yo-yo.” -Radio guy

My first album: Led Zeppelin IV
My second album: KTel’s “Far Out!”

Being sick as a kid is a lot like being sick as an adult, except that as an adult, you have to get your own bucket.

“I twisted it really tight and almost broke it off, but it’s still got a little drip.” -Geriatric news reporter

“Nosophilia” refers to those who become aroused by the knowledge that a sexual partner is terminally ill.