Some Little-Known Facts About Christmas

/ Richard R. Barron / 4 Comments
  • From 1979 to 1993, Santa’s sleigh delivered large quantities of yellow-cake uranium to North Korea.
  • Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer was originally created as a story of a drunk reindeer who ruined Christmas by crashing Santa’s sleigh into a gasoline tanker on Britain’s A4 motorway, but the concept didn’t float well with focus groups.
  • During the off-season, Kris Kringle plays golf, water skis, and snorkels, but is also involved in the East Naples, Florida Volunteer Fire Department.
    During the off-season, Kris Kringle plays golf, water skis, and snorkels, but is also involved in the East Naples, Florida Volunteer Fire Department.

    If for any reason Santa Claus is unable to perform his deliveries on Christmas Eve, the duty falls to his younger brother, Subordinate Claus.

  • Following a sharp decline in interest in Christmas in the late 1990s, Santa’s reindeer were renamed Blaster, Pansy, Caper, Bobby, Elmo, Se7en, Poltruce the Imposer, and Safety Blitzen.
  • If Santa and his elves were laid end-to-end at the equator, they would stretch from Ecuador to another section of Ecuador.
  • After killing the Burgermeister Meisterburger, Kringle and his wife Jessica were imprisoned in a Landsberg prison cell adjacent to Adolph Hitler, during which time Kringle wrote Mein Egg Nog.
  • Christmas trees were adopted as the symbol of Christmas after it was determined that Christmas bees were too dangerous to be kept indoors during the holiday season.
  • One reason Santa has been so successful in his worldwide deliveries to an ever-increasing global population is the availability of NASA-developed “space diapers.”
  • Santa’s sleigh uses TARDIS technology to hold the billions of toys, video games and condoms he delivers worldwide on Christmas Eve. The sleigh obtains its ultra-high speed by using a combination of High Intensity Flatulence Drive (also known as the Plugnose Engine) and emu oil.

 

4 Comments

  1. >>I thought Christmas bees were discontinued because the PETA protests? They didn’t like Santa dying the bees green and red every year.<< Well, not exactly. Keep this under your hat, okay? Only a handful of people know about this. The bees were discontinued after Jessica discovered Kris licking honey off a hooker's toes in Reno, Nevada in 1971.

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