There was this one girl. She was plump and had a mustache. She told me, “I write my name is all lower-case because it’s my trade mark.” Later, while looking at porn, she asked us, “Anyone for a gang-bang?” It was among the most awkward silences of our entire lives.

The Jittery Dumbass
an Elegy

That “step out of the house like you didn’t do anything but run a loose-ass comb through your hair” look.

There are 83 levels of farting. No human has ever gone past 14. At the highest level, you can suck in entire planets and fart them out at will.

Best possible names for a dog:
-Laboda the Chaste
-El Bubo the Impresser

She said “let’s have a party”
She said “we’ll sing and dance”
She said “come as you are”
So I came in my pants

Turn on the Inner Hyperdetic Fipe Wipers!

“I am behaving disgracefully. I have eaten animal flesh and I have enjoyed it!” -Spock

“It’s better to be dead than live alone in the body of a woman.” -Dr. Janice Lester

“In 1993, a group of young Supermen seized power in over forty nations.” -Spock

Real organizations:
-Emotions Anonymous
-Texas Emu Association

“He wouldn’t have a clue if you gave it to him intravenously up the butt.” -T, re: Nurdlinger

My greatest fear: missing a beltloop.

“…an emergency blow job.”

Actual names considered by band that later decided to be Blue Fusion, and after that didn’t work, Shae’s Rebellion…
-Power Windows
-Hard Drive
-Raisin Cain
-Stellar Graveyard
-Hat Trick
-Smokin’ Owen

And just how did the apostles keep getting out of jail?

“…choking on his flatulent miasma…”

Ideas for newspaper columns…
-Bottled water: Devil drink
-Hat on a stick
-Guns (real or toy)
-Fritz the Cat commits sodomy
-33 gallon garbage bag of empty soda cans under co-worker’s desk
-Who farted
-Perpetual smoking pole

“Am I naked?” -M
“No.” -R
“Oh, well.” -M