End of Days

Bad news for those of you who enjoy giving your loved ones Valentine’s Day gifts: we have seen the last Valentine’s Day.

How could this be? Prophecy. According to the Nikon World calendar, the world will end December 31, 2011.

“It’s been long known that this will be the end of it all,” said Lars Nordstorm of the Helsinki Institute. “A lot of people have been concerned because the Mayan calendar ends December 21, 2012. But we won’t be around to see it. The Nikon calendar ends twelve months earlier.”

Many cite passages in the Pentaxicon Canon, an ancient book of images, which says, “For they shall see the glorious sign, a Sigma, and soldiers shall beat their Tamrons into hoods, and the fearsome beast, called Tokina, shall emerge from a great cave, and blot out the sun.”

The book goes on to establish the date of the cataclysm: “Thirty four Elvi and one great season plus ten suns shall mark the erasure.”

The National Weather Service isn’t making a forecast for that day. “Get out of my office, you idiots,” said Anthony Beggerson, Deputy Director of Operations at the Weather Service.


  1. Just outside of the city limits in Bellingham there’s this quaint little compound with nice, expensive signs claiming that the world will end on May 21 of this year.

    How I’d love to be a fly on their wall the morning of May 22.

  2. that’s funny! i’m sure that date will come and go, like many other past predictions. the end will come, but it is not that specifically predictable. as when we are born, our comfortable life in the womb ends, and we are brought into an unimaginable new world, so will the end of days on planet earth be – it’s just a new beginning.

  3. Your best work ever. But uhhhh I’m not sure your tongue-in-cheek “Nikon calendar” references were universally understood.

  4. According to the Church of the Subgenius, the true end of the world (X-Day) was on July 5, 1998. It’s obvious that we are living in an alternate timeline, as Mr. Dobbs is never incorrect.


    Personally, I find X-Day to be the most convenient day for the world to end because it’s only five days into the new fiscal year. That means you’ll only have to do five days of taxes in the afterlife!

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