It should be obvious to everyone by this point that “lozenge” is the funniest word ever created.

“I think that’s sperm. Is that sperm?” -N, re: powder floating in the toilet

Earnest Borg One through Earnest Borg Eight were not entirely successful.

“I look like a hooker!” -Fifth grader

“Dear Santa. I lik for you to cum.” -Letter to Santa

“Being a referee is like being a husband. You can never do anything right.” -Ref at basketball game

“Do you need to wipe?” -T after hearing D fart

There is no food that tastes as good as being thin feels. -Bumper sticker

For his honeymoon, to save money he went to Can’tcun.

Sometimes listening to certain people is like listening to a clown honking his horn.

Dream: A family of 20 monkeys lived on the roof of the house across the street.

Sign on horse trailer: “Caution: Horse’s”  in quotes.

“If I were President, I would take out all the staircases and make slides with ball pits to land in.” -Emily, seventh grader

Sign at Church: The Futu Begins Today!

“That thing just scared the sh*t out of me!” -J, re: inflatable “Scream” doll

Dream fragment from T: “Can it honestly be said that the day in which we honor our sweethearts is NOT a day of crime?” In the dream, she then decapitated D’s girlfriend

Possible car tags for T’s “robot car”:
-NRGEEK
-INRGEEK
-GEEKETE
-BRNDOUT
-SPLAT
-SCHPIKL
-PICKLE
-CLSTRBMB
-APOCLPS
-DVLGIRL
-BITTER
-IKLLYOU
-TAGURIT
-T WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU

She settled on NRGEEK
Already taken: SPNKNTZ

Dream: Chewbacca and I are going from place to place in the Lost in Space ship, loading up lesbians to return them to their home planet.

“I can’t believe payple will pee to see that movie!” -A

“He’s degreasing journalism.” -Misheard

T said, “Now that’s a piece of laziness.” M heard: “Now that’s a decent labia.”

Real business: Custer’s Last Tan

Real name of fireworks shell: Boy Scout Troop Four Banger

In the Star Trek episode “The Deadly Years” original script, Chekov didn’t get the disease the others got because he was masturbating. “Spooglu, pass the space-grease.”

Etched into the paint on the rear end of a 70s-era Caprice Classic:
QUIT WORK
MAKE MUSIC

“You’re a good mole rodel.” -M

Dream fragment from T: “Even with a broom, you will not be able to gather enough pieces of truth even to make a sandwich.”

BAMM: Backpack-Mounted Anti Marklar Munition

Aibohphobia: Fear of palindromes

If it weren’t for artificial coloring, most products would be the color of vomit.