Am I really such a huge egomaniac that I believe that nothing counts if no one saw it? Is my life not the center of it all?

Pînch Pøke; Sück Mæ D!ck

When I asked if she played any instruments, she said, “just the meat flute.”

I then looked at her job application, which said, “I’d like the missionary position, but I’m willing to start at the bottom.”

You aren’t truly in a long-term relationship until you’ve uttered those five magic words: “Can I tie you up?”

The awful, dumbsplittingly obvious drawl of the southern minister on FM radio…

The fist Matrix … okay, it’s super funny that I typed, “The fist Matrix.”

The first Matrix failed because all the porn was clean and legal.

“Obi Wan? I thought you were in prison?”

Reach around or comb over: the gentleman’s choice.

Would you suck a woman’s dick? For $37? For $15? For $7?

Autocorrect changed regards to rectards.

“I’m sort of seeing someone right now, but you seem like a really sweet guy, though.” ~LPOC*

“Her barnie** smelled like man butt.” ~Judge Clitbag

“I cradled my soul gently and breathed into its mouth, but it died anyway.” ~M7

“No one can hear you scream when you have your head up your ass.” ~M7

Just to keep things on a fifth grade level here, I am posting this audio of The Fart Tape sped up to 300%…

For those of you who don’t know the origins of this masterpiece, you’re probably better off.

• Pippy Muchfucking
• Kandi Cigarette
• Waxy Kochenbauls
• Porky Allsack
• Wayne Kenoff
• Squinch a pookie
• Run the nozzle
• Brownhiding
• 33rd degree masonry
• Ancestral squat
• Deodorant control
• Humidifier fluid

If I had an alpaca, I’d name it “Suitcase.” Alpaca suitcase.

I recently tore some pages out of an old journal because what I wrote was unnecessarily revealing about what a perv I am…

“I _____ed her _____s, then ______ed her. While she protested, I _____ed her. Then as she begged me to stop, I took off her _____s. She begged me to stop again as I _____ed, _____ed and _____ed her _____.”

Need to know basis only: basbysitter porn is the best… Uh, correction: babysitter bondage porn is the best.

*Lying Piece of Crap

**Stink ditch