For reasons that are not at all clear to me, I was singing Isaac Hayes’ brilliant Theme from Shaft as I was preparing lunch in my kitchen just now. I was belting it out… “Who’s the black private dick who’s a sex machine to all the chicks? (Shaft!) You’re damn right.” “Who is the man…

Someone came into my office today to get away from the spitstorm into which an office environment can devolve. My office, which was once the darkroom at my newspaper, is mine alone, and if I want, I can close three steel fire doors between me and the newsroom. He came in and looked at all…

In my head and in my iTunes I am composing a new playlist, one I hope will end up being a successful road CD. I have to admit, as much as I loved making tapes when I was 28, it has become exponentially harder to make a really good road CD. If I may quote…

I swear to you, I am not making this up. When my sister and I were teenagers, about 1978, we lived in Lawton, Oklahoma. She and I kept a notebook, which we just called “The Book,” full of all the funny stuff we thought up, all the gossip we heard, all the complaints we had…

As many of you know, Santa Claus has a wife, a red-headed spitfire named Jessica. In magic North Pole Land, she and Kris stay eternally young, only dressing up as jolly old elves one day of the year. Let me just say that Jessica is insanely hot. (Sub-topic: My childhood is punctuated by crushes on…

Pray and fast Fetal/fecal/fatal position Elvis movie marathon Wish I were still in college/high school/junior high/grade school/kindergarten/womb Get head stuck in honey pot Act like I give a crap I’d rather have a pre-frontal lobotomy than a free bottle in front of me See the writing on the (bathroom) wall Listen to Duran Duran until…

Okay, let’s play “What Would God Do?” Make Eskimo Pie Frogs frogs frogs Daytime TV Elephantiasis of the nuts President Bushton Karl eating ribs “This is not meat loaf! It is kabab!” Seven year coma for guy who loved “Family Ties” but missed every episode Unexplained emergency dookie Strip down to bra and panties for…

Good news! We are not like our fathers. The biology is obvious: take good genes, subtract cigarettes, alcohol and baloney salad. Add the internet, clear soda and “Family Ties.” Subtract Korea and Viet Nam. Add brown rice and three months experimenting with weed. Subtract Gulf War Syndrome. Add motor skills and a national championship. Subtract…

Percentage of people at the Kent State Massacre who were actually CIA operatives or extraterrestrials: 95. Percentage of CIA operatives who are actually extraterrestrials: 95. Percentage of this morning’s stool sample that was actually CIA operatives, extraterrestrials, leather, or Quake III Arena railguns: 102. Fun fact: It has been widely debunked that “tin foil” hats…

By Minimus 7 / M7 dadblastit, Guitar-picking, sandal wearing hippie gets run over by tractor-trailer rig driven by reverse Okie (parents moved to CA during the dust bowl, he brought the family back to OK during the oil boom). Gather the cadres, Che’ has escaped. An unshaven Big Dick McGillicutty enters the disco. Perspectives shift…

by Minimus 7 / M7 shrift, Should I send these in? daft cooters 3.8 billion years of ennui duck my sick brutish odors uncle clyde and the fluff girls it’s the fart that counts two dicks ferguson lava twat chung rectilinear smile any excuse for trephination vacu-peen unsolicited enemas jactitations of the saints circulator of…

by Mimimus 7 / M7 grackle, “I offer nothing but confusion.”–throwing muses “Spank me!”–kafka time after time we face a certain esprit d’etat when it comes to our illustrious holidays.  this state of being includes generous quantities of mysticism and cynicism and schism.  never forget that the surface is all there is to it. “This…

By Minimus 7 / M7 shteb, replicants all around me, where is Deckard when we need him? tongue of silver, heart of pain I have escaped my fear of MEANING.  It was about time.  It is so difficult to lose the fear of a thing which doesn’t even exist. Existence implies effect….except when you watch…

Arizona Zipper Anil G. Shitole Dr. Beaver, Obstetrician Betty Burp The Boring School Aurora Borealis Belsky Pupo Shytti Lotta Crap Mole Funeral Home Sir Edward Pinecoffin Cheatham & Steele, Bankers Buster Hymen Cashmere Tango Obedience Cardiac Arrest Silva Cherri Pancake Christ T. Seraphim Golden Pancake C. Matthews Dick Comfort & Satisfy Bottom Constant Agony Bump…

Smedley Drizzle Briquette Pinky Slim Flotsam Squanto Fester Plankton Stymie Succotash Gargle Dangerous Spit Strontium 90 Flagellum Vortac Saliva Flatulence Uvula Petunia Splatter Slurry Garland Mucous Twig Heaven Oink Dwindle Larry Petal Soft Scurrilous Bob Dank Po ins Bosco Spanky Briosche Purge Smirk Avagadro Giardia Coriolis Tarnish Murphy Uterus Valium Cashew Persephone Clunker Bunch Twinky…

Growing up in a literate environment, I was encouraged to write. In some ways I was expected to write, and in other I demanded it of myself. In either case, it turns out that I am a terrible poet. These thoughts go as far back as high school, and are presented here non-chronologically. Forever 25…

In 1992, 1993 and 1994, I dated a woman named Kathy, who was a critical care nurse at an Oklahoma City hospital. Kathy suffered from various emotional difficulties, including depression. In February 1994, she killed herself at her home in Norman, Oklahoma. After her death, her parents were kind enough to give me a copy…

“I’d settle for someone without a lengthy criminal record.” ~Kathy, 1992 I met Kathy Godfrey in 1988. She was close to our married friends Michael and Thea (I’ve known Michael since seventh grade), who often joined Kathy for Medieval Fair events. Kathy and Thea shared a love of sewing costumes from antiquity. Kathy was a…

I talked to X for about 20 minutes tonight. She says she’s moving to Dallas soon. She told me she’d write me “this week.” “One day you’ll move away,” I said, “and you’ll forget to send me your address, and we’ll lose touch for good.” “That can’t happen. I’ve got your address. I always let…