Here are some profound excerpts from the ornate brown and gold notebook. The first words in this book are, “A black paradise.” I know I am in love when she and I stare into the sky. Specious conclusion: that you deserve a second chance just because you screwed up the first one. I was wrong…

Before blogging, there was journaling. It was fun, but only one person at a time could share it. The advantage was that it could be more intimate. The disadvantage was that it would sit in the dark. Here, then, are some choice excerpts from something dark. Possible subtitle: dripping with cynicism. If you ask for…

Wow! It makes a really cool noise when I whack this notebook on my steering wheel! Myiasis = infestation with maggots. “Government pork is lower than dog vomit.” -D “Am I sharp and pointy and heavy?” -R “My modus operandi is nothing but a diarrhea-ic thought process.” -D Boulevaardvark. If you don’t try to drag…

Sporadically Interwoven by Miminus Infectant Occasionally He had felt deluded and cheated by misplaced guilt, but lately he felt better, he felt like he could stand up and say that he was a worthy person – that he deserved the good things that a life in this modern country could offer a moderately talented man…

Nicole and I were somewhat inadvertently ahead of our time as children. In our daily play, one thing we did was gather on her bedroom floor with all her Barbie crap and all my G. I. Joe crap and make a big compound of houses, dolls, pillows and such. Since it was a trip to…

I was out yesterday shooting some storm damage photos – mostly trees and limbs blown down – when I was oddly reminded of doing the same exact thing on the very first day of work at a newspaper, on May 17, 1982. I was a brand new intern at the Lawton Constitution, my hometown newspaper….

“The squishy parts are usually ticklish.” -T -Burlap Enema -Satan Scientist -Inflatable Codpiece -Dong Music -Her dream of talking to the governor while pooping -“Okay, I cut it!” -D -Sexual, but not scatological -“A poop talker.” -T -Abdominal Snowman -“Butter my butt.” -T -Bagels go straight to your breasts -“I should aim THIS at the…

I sit in a stall at Denny’s in Albuquerque, NM, with jelly on my knuckles. There is a bright light above the commode that shines directly on my business, like my constitutional is being interrogated. Insert the word only anywhere in the following sentence: She told me that she loved me. Very few people know…

**  Muriel Hemmingway **  Jasmine Schitt **  and Lassie #4 star in **** “You look really gay in flip-flops!” or **** “The Androgyny Strain.” “You can’t unwrite something.” -D The unwriting idea: Write a paragraph, then write another that cancels every idea, metaphor, nuance, etc., of the first, and in the process, like matter and…

Inscription on desk at classroom at Oklahoma University, c. 1981: “Greeks are freaks – hippies are the only mainstream reality – conformism is the cosmic black hole of the c*nt of evil. You didn’t know Satan was female? She lives in a sorority house.” I once had a dream that my dog was inside out….

“Only at epochs of most intense tranquillity, when the bodily and mental health are in perfection. And at those weird points of time, where the confines of the waking world blend with the world of dreams. And so I captured this fancy, where all that we see, or seem, is but a dream within a…

The Toric Assmasters of Triskelion Welcome You! (Here is your dunce cap, accordion, and bonus DVD of bloopers from Unsolved Mysteries.) Methane Sutra by Buttmaster Gilda Hiss away you have reached no annulus FLAP an applause for our celestial meanderings RIP tear the universe a new one Blow hole through sheet rock status of saint…

As the year 2008 comes to a close, I thought I would amuse the readers of the Giant Muh with a few key gripes from the notebook with the squished spiral that I keep in the seatback pocket of my car (so I can complain on the road). The Viagra/Cialis dual purpose: fat men who…

Special Arms Regimental Troops: FARTs. (It’s an implied F) Dancing is 98% stupid. Nothing else has that kind of stupidity rate. If one more shallow little bitch tells me to smile, I’m gonna rip out some colon. Bitch and Flinch, a metaphor in four-quart harmony. Upon learning that the Concorde had crashed in Paris: “Who…

“I know I’ll do the right thing if the right thing is revealed”  –Staind “We’re not here to do the right thing. We’re here to follow fucking orders.”  –Saving Private Ryan

For those of you who thought that our Norman gang cranking out a list of baby names that start with “C” was funny, here is the actual list… Casper, Carmen, Caper, Canter, Chai, Covey, Colorado, Cumin, Caledonia, Cayenne, Cisco, Cecelia, Calypso, Cyrus, Ciattle, Clooney, Clara, Charlene, Cloud, Chaz, Cobalt, Conifer, Cale, Cane, Chipotle, Cole, Coco,…

In college I had a roommate one semester who talked in his sleep almost every night. Being a night crawler, I heard most of it, and wrote down the good ones: “Space Monk, wanna sharpen my knife?” “I said I want some pie!” “Put a little foam on it so the kids can play.” “Bill,…

So the other day I was trying to rattle off a list of all the famous people I have met. I was really struggling to think of their names, and whether or not they were really famous. Charles Kuralt, Wilford Brimley, Ralph Nader, Erin Moriarty, Reba McEntire, Fran Tarkenton, Brian Bosworth, Jeremy Shockey, Larry Linville,…

In 1999, while traveling along Interstate 40 in New Mexico, I noticed an exit that harbored a small village called Cuervo nestled against a mesa to the south. I made a mental note to stop there the next time I was through, and did, in September 2000. The town appeared mostly deserted, so I prowled…

Last night I dreamed that I went out to the garden to shoot the rabbit that has been eating my tomatoes. (In reality I am considering doing this.) While I was out there, I saw some interesting camouflage targets in the grass, so I shot at them. Later in the day, I heard shooting, so…

Sydney Irwin Pollack (July 1, 1934 – May 26, 2008[1]) was an Academy Award-winning American film director, producer and actor. Born in Lafayette, Indiana to Russian Jewish immigrants, Pollack studied with Sanford Meisner at the Neighborhood Playhouse in New York City, where he later taught acting. He began directing television shows in the 1960s before…