I was out yesterday shooting some storm damage photos – mostly trees and limbs blown down – when I was oddly reminded of doing the same exact thing on the very first day of work at a newspaper, on May 17, 1982. I was a brand new intern at the Lawton Constitution, my hometown newspaper….

“The squishy parts are usually ticklish.” -T -Burlap Enema -Satan Scientist -Inflatable Codpiece -Dong Music -Her dream of talking to the governor while pooping -“Okay, I cut it!” -D -Sexual, but not scatological -“A poop talker.” -T -Abdominal Snowman -“Butter my butt.” -T -Bagels go straight to your breasts -“I should aim THIS at the…

I sit in a stall at Denny’s in Albuquerque, NM, with jelly on my knuckles. There is a bright light above the commode that shines directly on my business, like my constitutional is being interrogated. Insert the word only anywhere in the following sentence: She told me that she loved me. Very few people know…

**  Muriel Hemmingway **  Jasmine Schitt **  and Lassie #4 star in **** “You look really gay in flip-flops!” or **** “The Androgyny Strain.” “You can’t unwrite something.” -D The unwriting idea: Write a paragraph, then write another that cancels every idea, metaphor, nuance, etc., of the first, and in the process, like matter and…

Inscription on desk at classroom at Oklahoma University, c. 1981: “Greeks are freaks – hippies are the only mainstream reality – conformism is the cosmic black hole of the c*nt of evil. You didn’t know Satan was female? She lives in a sorority house.” I once had a dream that my dog was inside out….

“Only at epochs of most intense tranquillity, when the bodily and mental health are in perfection. And at those weird points of time, where the confines of the waking world blend with the world of dreams. And so I captured this fancy, where all that we see, or seem, is but a dream within a…

The Toric Assmasters of Triskelion Welcome You! (Here is your dunce cap, accordion, and bonus DVD of bloopers from Unsolved Mysteries.) Methane Sutra by Buttmaster Gilda Hiss away you have reached no annulus FLAP an applause for our celestial meanderings RIP tear the universe a new one Blow hole through sheet rock status of saint…

As the year 2008 comes to a close, I thought I would amuse the readers of the Giant Muh with a few key gripes from the notebook with the squished spiral that I keep in the seatback pocket of my car (so I can complain on the road). The Viagra/Cialis dual purpose: fat men who…

Special Arms Regimental Troops: FARTs. (It’s an implied F) Dancing is 98% stupid. Nothing else has that kind of stupidity rate. If one more shallow little bitch tells me to smile, I’m gonna rip out some colon. Bitch and Flinch, a metaphor in four-quart harmony. Upon learning that the Concorde had crashed in Paris: “Who…

“I know I’ll do the right thing if the right thing is revealed”  –Staind “We’re not here to do the right thing. We’re here to follow fucking orders.”  –Saving Private Ryan

For those of you who thought that our Norman gang cranking out a list of baby names that start with “C” was funny, here is the actual list… Casper, Carmen, Caper, Canter, Chai, Covey, Colorado, Cumin, Caledonia, Cayenne, Cisco, Cecelia, Calypso, Cyrus, Ciattle, Clooney, Clara, Charlene, Cloud, Chaz, Cobalt, Conifer, Cale, Cane, Chipotle, Cole, Coco,…

In college I had a roommate one semester who talked in his sleep almost every night. Being a night crawler, I heard most of it, and wrote down the good ones: “Space Monk, wanna sharpen my knife?” “I said I want some pie!” “Put a little foam on it so the kids can play.” “Bill,…

So the other day I was trying to rattle off a list of all the famous people I have met. I was really struggling to think of their names, and whether or not they were really famous. Charles Kuralt, Wilford Brimley, Ralph Nader, Erin Moriarty, Reba McEntire, Fran Tarkenton, Brian Bosworth, Jeremy Shockey, Larry Linville,…

In 1999, while traveling along Interstate 40 in New Mexico, I noticed an exit that harbored a small village called Cuervo nestled against a mesa to the south. I made a mental note to stop there the next time I was through, and did, in September 2000. The town appeared mostly deserted, so I prowled…

Last night I dreamed that I went out to the garden to shoot the rabbit that has been eating my tomatoes. (In reality I am considering doing this.) While I was out there, I saw some interesting camouflage targets in the grass, so I shot at them. Later in the day, I heard shooting, so…

Sydney Irwin Pollack (July 1, 1934 – May 26, 2008[1]) was an Academy Award-winning American film director, producer and actor. Born in Lafayette, Indiana to Russian Jewish immigrants, Pollack studied with Sanford Meisner at the Neighborhood Playhouse in New York City, where he later taught acting. He began directing television shows in the 1960s before…

* Brady Bunch father Mike Brady’s late wife and Carol Brady’s late husband killed each other in a bar fight. * Happy Days older brother Chuck Cunningham never made it back from Vietnam. * JR and JFK were shot by the same assassin. * “Skipper” Jonas Grumby and Willy Gilligan had a suspicious relationship on…

While watching “Training Day” this week, I kept trying to figure out of whom one of the actors, Ethan Hawke, reminded me. When I saw Wil C. Fry at the state softball tournament in Oklahoma City Wednesday, it dawned on me that it was him, and that I had been trying to figure out of…

In my journal, 1995 was the year of quotations. I was reading a lot of philosophy, and it was an important influence on my life. At the time I was flying a lot, too, which was the other influence. “No one is better than you, but you are no better than anyone else until you…

My NASA flight controller friend Michelle sent me some pictures of herself, since I asked her to, since her hair is totally a different color now than what it was when she and I were close in 1997. Knowing that she is a flight controller, and that this image was made while she was actually…