Ich bin ein dustmite!

By , March 30, 2009 2:31 pm

Little known fact: Italian is actually just Spanish spoken with a French accent.

Real names of AOL chat rooms, night of 6-15-02…

-Guys who lick it up
-Men who wear panties
-Sweet but anal
-Daddy slipped it in
-I steal dirty undeez
-Seed my wife
-Mom takes son’s load
-Lick my sweat socks now
-Shemale connection
-Amputee subs
-Rover needs relief
-Preg belly roleplay
-Wife has harry crack
-Creamy mess U
-Mommie’s sissy
-Payne receptacle
-Crowd groping
-Ruape fantasi
-Golden trickle
-Inceeest!

AOL installed some filters to prevent chat rooms like this. For some reason after that, it became popular to include a lot of Ks to beat the filter. Example: Hoktteeknpussky

“Ain’t nothing like a slice of the damp!” -The Gauntlet

Descartes goes into a restaurant. The waiter asks him if he’s like some coffee. “I think not!” he answers, and disappears.

(Again, if you don’t get this joke and don’t know who René Descartes was, please don’t endanger yourself by going any further.)

Lemon-scented ammonia. You decide.

Inflation in Brazil since 1980: 146,000,000,000%

Real question I asked my neighbor in 1993:
“Rhonda, do you know whose body this is in your parking place?”

Later that night, Rhonda told me, “The last people who lived here were fags!”

Dream: A married caveman and cavewoman were living in our pond. My wife ordered a Model-T for them with a bathtub full of Epsom salts.

Dream: I am a cadet at a University in a military-style TV production program. The first assignment is to climb through a huge metal Slinky. The professor appears on a huge video screen overlooking the class and accuses me of hiding a tequila mug in my pants.

I had a friend named Johnny once. He told us that to die “in cold blood” meant that you died with your eyes open. He also said that “take five” meant to take five deep breaths.

1992: I put on a huge pot of split pea soup with copious amounts of garlic, then lie down for a nap. Twenty minutes later I awoke dreaming I was in a nerve gas attack.

1992: Playing racquetball with a co-worker, I accidentally whacked him in the nuts with the ball. He was on the floor in pain, unable to move, for five full minutes.

Federal Ex-Lax: When it absolutely, positively has to be out overnight.
UPS Laxative: We run the tightest ship in the sh*tting business.

“I’m about as confused as a termite in a yo-yo.” -Radio guy

My first album: Led Zeppelin IV
My second album: KTel’s “Far Out!”

Being sick as a kid is a lot like being sick as an adult, except that as an adult, you have to get your own bucket.

“I twisted it really tight and almost broke it off, but it’s still got a little drip.” -Geriatric news reporter

“Nosophilia” refers to those who become aroused by the knowledge that a sexual partner is terminally ill.

The Unwriting Idea

By , March 25, 2009 6:22 pm

**  Muriel Hemmingway
**  Jasmine Schitt
**  and Lassie #4 star in

**** “You look really gay in flip-flops!” or
**** “The Androgyny Strain.”

“You can’t unwrite something.” -D

The unwriting idea:
Write a paragraph, then write another that cancels every idea, metaphor, nuance, etc., of the first, and in the process, like matter and antimatter coming together, release a tremendous amount of writing energy.

The Ladies Auxiliary of the Ku Klux Klan: The Ku Klux Klit.

Most popular pick-up line in gay bars: “May I push this stool in for you?”

Ideas for improving office productivity:
-Run through the halls with an air horn in each hand blasting away
-Big tit hat
-(Coming out of bathroom) “Damnit, I didn’t even digest that!”

Funny uses of the word “butt” as a prefix:

Butt cheese
Butt agonizer
Butt authority
Butt doctor
Butt warrior
Butt territory
Butt kiss
Butt topia
Butt shaft
Butt rod
Butt rocket
Butt pleaser
Butt song
Butt sandwich
Butt supply
Butt surplus
Butt monkey
Butt survivor
Uncle Tom’s Butt Cabin

-Ralph Nader’s limp handshake
-Hoidy toilet products
-Gasaway Lounge
-The Gravy Boat of Death
-Dink Bernardi
-Jerry Bonin
-Ernst Peenwile
-The Leather Sled of the Gods
-The Universe ends not with a bang but with a cluck

The Mortamephasis: a cockroach wakes up to find he is a human. Ends up stepping on his family.

What would the world be like today if, when he was 17, Franz Kafka had had a summer job at Disneyland?

“Who cares if you have to take it three times. That’s better than a minute up the butt anytime.” -That one guy’s wife

“In every bullsh*t there’s a pearl.” -R

An Epic Conundrum

By , March 8, 2009 12:24 am

As I sat here a few minutes ago I thought something smelled not so good. It almost reminded me of something on fire, or something electrical. I got my super-bright flashlight and shined it into the darkness around the house, hoping it would illuminate any smoke. As I peered around one corner and another, I became aware of a squeaking or chirping sound that seemed to be coming from quite close by.

I tried to put the two together, but it didn’t make sense. Then it occured to me that something might be wrong with my goats. Coyotes are quite common in this neck, so I checked them. They were fine. While I was out there, though, I could hear the squeaky sound even louder. It seemed to be coming from under the house. I opened one of the inspection ports and pushed my flashlight up next to it so I could see inside.

There. Two skunks, doing to nasty. Getting jiggy with it. Making the beast with two back. Squeaking the chrome. Oiling the lemon. Polishing the limo.

Suggestions are welcome.

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