Real team mascot, Hereford, Texas: The Hostile Herd and the Lady Whitefaces Advantages to prison: -3 squares a day -Free “sex” -Lift weights -Look cool – smoke! -Meet the warden’s wife Norman Vincent Pilaf’s “The Power of Positive Starches” When we were little, some of us thought Brunschwager was actually Brunch Wagger. The Four Erections…

Those who have read me for many months know that Abby planted a wildflower garden just a week before she became critically ill with pneumonia last year. Since she was hospitalized for nearly six weeks and weakened for months afterwards, she was unable to tend the garden. The flowers she planted, however, did well, and…

I am very proud of my wife this week, who is determined despite her arthritis pain to walk a mile every day. She started this week, and hasn’t missed a day. Today was especially hard for her, since it was cold and blustery here. She just bundled up and did it. This activity is particularly…

I know it seems lame and domestic to brag about my garden all the time, so I won’t. I will say, however, that I am proud of the fact that my garden might be the most creative use for old lawn furniture ever. We used to buy aluminum tomato cages and put them up, but…

“If it’s not stiff enough, you could back it with cardboard.” -T Flow-Bee your cootie? Therapus: 6-legged sea creature that kills its prey by gentle massage. “I can’t stop! I have to defeat the gum!” -T “I don’t trust mountains. I also don’t trust animals that live in the water.” -T What a bunch of…

I worry a lot that I am a hack. Let me be clear: I do not refer to myself as “master” anything, since I believe a claim of being a master is fraught with peril, particularly the peril of being a master of not being a master. Example: Pete Myers. The home page of his…

Abby says that I woke her up five times last night, each time asking her, “Do you remember what I just dreamed?”

Little known fact: Italian is actually just Spanish spoken with a French accent. Real names of AOL chat rooms, night of 6-15-02… -Guys who lick it up -Men who wear panties -Sweet but anal -Daddy slipped it in -I steal dirty undeez -Seed my wife -Mom takes son’s load -Lick my sweat socks now -Shemale…

As I sat here a few minutes ago I thought something smelled not so good. It almost reminded me of something on fire, or something electrical. I got my super-bright flashlight and shined it into the darkness around the house, hoping it would illuminate any smoke. As I peered around one corner and another, I…

A friend of mine was once asked by his daughter, “Daddy, is reality real?” I don’t know his response, but I can tell you that no, it is quite unreal. Case in point: television. Just a few minutes ago I was trying to entertain myself by watching Hulu, the web site that offers television programs…

It should be obvious to everyone by this point that “lozenge” is the funniest word ever created. “I think that’s sperm. Is that sperm?” -N, re: powder floating in the toilet Earnest Borg One through Earnest Borg Eight were not entirely successful. “I look like a hooker!” -Fifth grader “Dear Santa. I lik for you…

For those of you who don’t have a Valentine this year, you may be the Valentine of Frog Rock, the amphibian-shaped stone west of Ada on Farm-to-Market Road. (Over the years I have photographed Frog Rock in various degrees of degeneration, but in the end someone, who remains officially nameless, repaints it.)

Last night I dreamed that when I came to work here at the Ada Evening News, corporate had come in the night and taken everything out of the building except my computer and a laptop. They left my computer so I could archive the last of our files before closing us down permanently. I noticed…

There was this one girl. She was plump and had a mustache. She told me, “I write my name is all lower-case because it’s my trade mark.” Later, while looking at porn, she asked us, “Anyone for a gang-bang?” It was among the most awkward silences of our entire lives. The Jittery Dumbass an Elegy…

Okay, so I’m at a ball game the other day, and it wasn’t very good, so I was done shooting. I was waiting for the next game to start, when my eyes wandered onto the back wall where the mascot was painted. It was a bulldog, about 20 feet tall, painted to look vicious. Then…

There is a class of drugs that is increasingly popular right now, the bisphosphonates. They include brand name drugs like Reclast, Boniva, Fosamax, and others. They supposedly help post-menopausal women slow or reverse their osteoporosis, which is a disease common in parts of the world where we eat too much and move too little. Basically,…

Okay, I don’t know what is making me have all these weird dreams, but here it is… I discover that when the Murrah Building in Oklahoma City was bombed, they discovered a gleaming metal tower inside that no one knew about. When they built the memorial years later, they kept the tower, but a park…

Update: while I was out, I saw a double-pup semi, and it reminded me that I also had a long, complex dream about driving a semi with about four trailers at once. In the dream, I remember getting it stuck in a parking lot, and having some truck drivers help me drive it through a…

Our blogging buddy Heather is all about raw foods, so when Abby made this salad to take to work on Friday, I thought of Heather, since it is all raw except for the pasta. It includes carrots, radishes, three colors of bell peppers, tomatoes, broccoli, celery, cucumber, mushrooms, rotini, and a touch of Italian herb…

My wife Abby amazes me every day, but this morning it was special. Last week her optometrist gave her some contact lenses made of a new material, but it appears that Abby may be allergic to it. As a result, she is sitting in the dark, wearing her Tranquil Eyes pads, trying to soothe her…

“Penis or rectum, that’s our dictum.” -N -Der Fleder Melitus -Milk Toga -Melitus Rex -Colt 49 -Horta Sapien -Notebøk -Inner Zonk (name of blacklight poster I had in 7th grade) “I particularly dislike spiders that are rubbery or have no logical locomotion.” -R Judith was a traitor with a lisp. Jethuth Chritht. “Survey Says! …you’re…

While at our doctor today for an unrelated ailment, he checked my cholesterol. To his surprise and my chagrin, despite a long-time vegetarian diet and an active lifestyle, it has climbed again, into the red zone. I’d like to think it is related to the stress of raising a teenager, but more realistically, it is…

Abby and I recently found some way cool yarn for her to crochet some new sweaters for our Chihuahuas, Max and Sierra. I know, I know. Our dogs have enough sweaters. But hear me out: crocheting is excellent exercise for Abby’s hands, helping to keep them strong and supple. (Sidebar: Abby has the most wonderful,…

Watching a football game tonight, at halftime we saw segments of two marching bands. Oklahoma’s is called “The Pride of Oklahoma.” Here in Ada, ECU’s band calls itself “The Pride of Tigerland.” I don’t know exactly how the tradition began, but marching bands aren’t really the “pride” of anything. I was in a marching band…