{"id":30822,"date":"2023-08-07T16:00:17","date_gmt":"2023-08-07T22:00:17","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/richardbarron.net\/giantmuh\/?p=30822"},"modified":"2025-07-18T13:45:38","modified_gmt":"2025-07-18T19:45:38","slug":"not-my-memories","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/richardbarron.net\/giantmuh\/2023\/08\/07\/not-my-memories\/","title":{"rendered":"These Aren’t My Memories"},"content":{"rendered":"

I was digging through a journal recently, and if I am completely honest, it was to find out when I had sex with someone that year. I didn’t find that, but I came across some extraordinary notes.<\/p>\n

May 11, 1998…<\/p>\n

“I’m tied of ice chest boyfriends.” ~Lisa, who was hitting on me at the time.<\/p>\n

The most suffocating fantasy of all: the white picket fence.<\/p>\n

\"In<\/a>
In 1998, just before switching to smaller notebooks, I wrote in my margins all the time. I love this style.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

The biggest imagination gap: self image. Look at yourself!<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

May 12, 1998…<\/p>\n

What makes greatness? Only the struggle of the human spirit against nature, against each other, against ourselves, can make us great. Let greatness come about on its own. Yet I yearn to capture it!<\/p>\n

May 18, 1998…<\/p>\n

I must remember to keep expanding. My diet can always be better. I can always take better pictures. My words can always say more. I can always fly better. I can make more friends. I can forgive you.<\/p>\n

Where are you tonight? … not in my arms.<\/p>\n

May 19, 1998…<\/p>\n

(In the margin) All this waits inside me. Some day we will take hold of each other and this will all come pouring out.<\/p>\n

Does she have any idea of the depth and complexity that resides behind these oddly innocent blue eyes?<\/p>\n

I am emptied by my honesty.<\/p>\n

\"Decoy<\/a>
Decoy wine and decoy not wine? I see what you did there.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Alarming similarities between Ana\u00ees Nin and me:<\/p>\n

“I am unable to move from journal to fiction,” and, “I copy the pithiest aphorisms into the diary.”<\/p>\n

June 5, 1998…<\/p>\n

Her shallow indifference to my life was never enough to separate my quixotic fantasies from her real self.<\/p>\n

Last night was a parade of stereotyping and sexism. Donna was our master of ceremonies.<\/p>\n

I don’t despise who you are. I despise who you think you are.<\/p>\n

“That was very sexy.” ~woman who watched me lick the salt off a margarita glass.<\/p>\n

Your lies are of no interest to me, even if they are just lies to yourself.<\/p>\n

June 10, 1998…<\/p>\n

Mary drew the dull-orange rag from the pocket of her filthy blue overalls to wipe the mist of sweat from her forehead. The rag was dirty from engine grease, and made a black steak across her brow. Her face had been pale years ago, framed by almost-black shoulder-length hair, but the sun and age and violent unhappiness had all taken their toll, mixing her coloring to a greyish tan, peppered by by grey hair pulled back onto a pony tail.<\/em><\/p>\n

Who is she? What does she fear?<\/p>\n

\"Last<\/a>
Last night I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep, so I sat in my camp chair on the deck for a while. It was cool and breezy and amazing.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I was digging through a journal recently, and if I am completely honest, it was to find out when I had sex with someone that year. I didn’t find that, but I came across some extraordinary notes. May 11, 1998… “I’m tied of ice chest boyfriends.” ~Lisa, who was hitting on me at the time….<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":17926,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,15,19],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-30822","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","category-essays-and-opinions","category-journals-notebooks"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/richardbarron.net\/giantmuh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/30822","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/richardbarron.net\/giantmuh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/richardbarron.net\/giantmuh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/richardbarron.net\/giantmuh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/richardbarron.net\/giantmuh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=30822"}],"version-history":[{"count":11,"href":"https:\/\/richardbarron.net\/giantmuh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/30822\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":32841,"href":"https:\/\/richardbarron.net\/giantmuh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/30822\/revisions\/32841"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/richardbarron.net\/giantmuh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/17926"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/richardbarron.net\/giantmuh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=30822"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/richardbarron.net\/giantmuh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=30822"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/richardbarron.net\/giantmuh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=30822"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}