Chaos in the Hedgerow and Other Incomplete Thoughts

Am I really such a huge egomaniac that I believe that nothing counts if no one saw it? Is my life not the center of it all?

The only truly classy way to enjoy sparkling wine is in teensy red Solo cups.
The only truly classy way to enjoy sparkling wine is in teensy red Solo cups.

Pînch Pøke; Sück Mæ D!ck

I know this is wrong on so many levels.
I know this is wrong on so many levels.

When I asked if she played any instruments, she said, “just the meat flute.”

I then looked at her job application, which said, “I’d like the missionary position, but I’m willing to start at the bottom.”

You aren’t truly in a long-term relationship until you’ve uttered those five magic words: “Can I tie you up?”

The awful, dumbsplittingly obvious drawl of the southern minister on FM radio…

The fist Matrix … okay, it’s super funny that I typed, “The fist Matrix.”

The first Matrix failed because all the porn was clean and legal.

“Obi Wan? I thought you were in prison?”

Where did I hide the bodies?
Where did I hide the bodies?
If I couldn't read Camus pretentiously, I wouldn't read him at all.
If I couldn’t read Camus pretentiously, I wouldn’t read him at all.

Reach around or comb over: the gentleman’s choice.

Would you suck a woman’s dick? For $37? For $15? For $7?

Autocorrect changed regards to rectards.

“I’m sort of seeing someone right now, but you seem like a really sweet guy, though.” ~LPOC*

“Her barnie** smelled like man butt.” ~Judge Clitbag

“I cradled my soul gently and breathed into its mouth, but it died anyway.” ~M7

“No one can hear you scream when you have your head up your ass.” ~M7

Just to keep things on a fifth grade level here, I am posting this audio of The Fart Tape sped up to 300%…

For those of you who don’t know the origins of this masterpiece, you’re probably better off.

  • Pippy Muchfucking
  • Kandi Cigarette
  • Waxy Kochenbauls
  • Porky Allsack
  • Wayne Kenoff
  • Squinch a pookie
  • Run the nozzle
  • Brownhiding
  • 33rd degree masonry
  • Ancestral squat
  • Deodorant control
  • Humidifier fluid

If I had an alpaca, I’d name it “Suitcase.” Alpaca suitcase.

I recently tore some pages out of an old journal because what I wrote was unnecessarily revealing about what a perv I am…

“I _____ed her _____s, then ______ed her. While she protested, I _____ed her. Then as she begged me to stop, I took off her _____s. She begged me to stop again as I _____ed, _____ed and _____ed her _____.”

Need to know basis only: basbysitter porn is the best… Uh, correction: babysitter bondage porn is the best.

Unrelentingly shallow.
Unrelentingly shallow.

*Lying Piece of Crap

**Stink ditch

2 Comments

  1. *If I couldn’t read Camus pretentiously, I wouldn’t read him at all.”

    Damn. I read my first Camus last year and *totally* forgot to be pretentious.

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