Insert Better Title Here for Observational Douchery

Sorry, bro. Your honking campaign didn't change the world. A for effort, though.
Sorry, bro. Your honking campaign didn’t change the world. A for effort, though.

Other Title: Toxic, Do Not Read

Alternate title: Dozens of Rants Rolled Into One

Alternate alternate title: Seven and a Half Billion People, Almost None of Whom Matter

Alternate Other Title: Cleaning Out My Drafts Folder

Other other alternate title: Bursting Your Stupid Little Bubble

Other other alternate alternate title: Post-Election Brain Dump

The one thing you have in common with the rest of humanity is that you can screw, so don’t try to convince me it’s something special.

Think I'm wrong? Without looking it up, take this quiz...

  • Name an accomplishment of Albert Einstein’s.
  • Name an accomplishment of Ludwig Van Beethoven’s.
  • Now name any of their children.

Every asshole you ever met was once an innocent child, so chances are that some of the innocent children you know are eventually going to be assholes. In fact, lots of them are assholes right now. Every grade school gunman and child molester was a pure, innocent fetus that you once wanted to preserve and now want to destroy, without really knowing why.

Here’s a dirty little secret: people with children don’t care about your children. They’re really just interested in telling you how much better their children are than yours are.

If you are part of the anti-vax (anti-vaccination) crowd because you think vaccinations gave your child an autistic spectrum disorder, I have news for you: your kid is an asshole because you are a lazy parent.

No one wants to see video of your children crying, making faces at the camera, farting, or performing in any kind of school-sponsored play or music event. Proof of this is that all video recordings of such things is of the children of the parents doing the filming and no one else.

Tiers of Residency in the New Order

When I am leader (not a very dramatic word – maybe there’s a better one in another language), I intend to create various tiers of residency, with the most common being civilian. Here is a first draft of who will be who…

  • The Honored Dead.
  • Citizen. This rank entitles the holder to all the important privileges of society, from air travel to access to the internet. Honorable military, social and educational service automatically qualifies the person. They get the healthiest foods and the best medical care, all for free. This is the only class whose choices will be actually considered when deciding social issues.
  • Civilian. Most people fall into this category. Illiterate, shallow, factually incorrect or offensive behavior keeps one from advancing above this station. Free access to staple foods and low-tech transportation only. No internet, no television.
  • Resident. Hillbillies, petty criminals, idiots, the monstrously obese, creationists, conspiracy theorists, Trump supporters, astrology fans. Vocal devotion to silly religions lands you here. Beans and rice. Access to sidewalks. Natural disease processes will cull this herd.
  • Felon. Though not defined specifically by today’s criminal standards, a felony will get you into this slot, as will various vaguely-defined treasons that change from day to day as my moods change. Parents of minor children who commit adultery automatically become felons. It won’t take long for this category to disappear, as felons will not be permitted to appear in public, and are not allowed any rations or shelter. Drunk drivers, child molesters, wife beaters, rapists, hardcore bullies, mass murderers, and other truly reprehensible people will not be classified as felons, since they will be destroyed at first opportunity.

No one, on the other hand, will be permitted to live in luxury, since luxury is for the lazy, the decadent, the weak. Truly evolved beings don’t desire it anyway.

My Richardtopia: love it or die.

Google, how come you know so much about the nature of humanity?
Google, how come you know so much about the nature of humanity?

You were raised in that religion, so don’t pretend it’s some kind of achievement to practice it.

You lived in that school district, so don’t fudge your Huggies because you were a Hokie or a Gamecock or a Trojan or a Tarheel or a Pug. It just happened to you.

Your wedding dress looked stupid and unattractive and made you look fat. I say this not because I saw yours, but because almost all wedding dresses are stupid and unattractive.

This is Fun...

For the second time in my lifetime, we just selected a president without electing him…

Hillary Clinton: 60,839,922
Donald Trump: 60,265,858 (“winner”)

How would you do this? Sue the media? No one's ever thought of that.
How would you do this? Sue the media? No one’s ever thought of that.

The music you like is consistently the shittiest. Why? Because mainstream popular music is consistently terrible, and it’s popularity means that most people like it.

“We’ll crucify the insincere tonight.” ~Smashing Pumpkins

Most manicures and pedicures make your hands and feet look like jagged, razor-sharp rat claws.

Own your feelings: you don’t hate homosexuality. You hate fags. Just admit it. I have more respect for an honest bigot than for a pretentious one. The same applies if you hate blacks, Mexicans, women, Jews, atheists, Muslims, etc. You are already marginalized by your ignorance and fear, so why not at least come clean about who you are?

I also hate you if you are outraged by expressions of hate or bigotry or hostility: at least, finally, someone was honest about feelings we all have. We all have. Don’t tell me you are all sunshine and love of all mankind, because that’s the biggest lie ever.

Hating bigots makes you a bigot.

Thank you, self-righteous dickheads on Facebook, for telling us how to run a newspaper. I’m sure you are less than a month from opening your own much better newspaper.

Your photography is terrible. I don’t say this because I’ve seen it. I say it because almost all photography is terrible. Even some professional photography is terrible. Your videography is even worse.

Your phone owns you, not the other way around.

Word Virus

In the 1980s, I had a girlfriend who hated the words jubilee and succulent. Here are some words I hate, or think are used annoyingly and make you sound stupid and shallow…

  • Gitfiddle
  • Tootsies
  • Clodhoppers
  • Kiddos
  • Hubby
  • Yummy

I hate it when people think they know about disease. Often you hear them say, “It’s just a virus,” not realizing, I guess, that polio, smallpox, ebola, and the influenza that killed 50 million people in 1918 are viruses.

There are actually people in the world like this. They are nearly in my back yard, literally.
There are actually people in the world like this. They are nearly in my back yard, literally.

Your fashion sense is shallow and childish. I don’t say this because I see how you dress. I say this because of Uggs and Crocs and nose rings and popped collars and spray-on tans.

You’re not a Hobbit, you’re not a Sith Lord, you’re not a starship commander, you’re not a superhero. You never will be.

Things to Stop Saying

“I’m allergic to gluten.” No, you’re not. You are a trend-follower. And you aren’t fat because of gluten.

I'll take my chances.
I’ll take my chances.

“I’m agnostic.” This word literally means “no knowledge,” so you are saying you don’t know. That’s not a belief.

“_____ people are/think______.” No matter how socially conscious you are, there is never a circumstance when you are able to know what any group of people all think.

“I was born in the wrong era.” Unless you have lived through smallpox and slavery, you were born at a good time.

“Lean not on your own understanding” or “God’s plan is too great for us to comprehend.” You would have been a good Nazi.

“I support {candidate} because he/she thinks **one issue**.” It’s the 21st century, and you still pick an entire political philosophy because you want to be able to buy silencers at gun shows.

“You’re a racist.” The truth is that racism isn’t a thought or a belief, but an action, and even then, behaving morally in every way yet being the wrong color never means you are a racist. And consider this: no one is black or white or yellow or red. We are all different shades of melanin.

This one is just a little too "on the money."
This one is just a little too “on the money.”
If you don't believe it, test it out yourself.
If you don’t believe it, test it out yourself.

If you’re really, really good at video games, you’re not good at or for much else.

I’m not saying I’m better than you. I don’t really need to. While I’m outside pruning peach trees, you’re inside LOLing at cat videos. That’s all there is to it.

I am definitely not using the word “fudgepacker” enough.

When I die, please don’t trot out a list of things I love, because you will get it wrong. I don’t love walks on the beach, I don’t love shopping. I don’t love my fellow man.

I love my wife, our families, and our dogs. I love cutting the grass. I love hiking and exploring. I love flying. I love taking pictures and do that for a living.

I Honestly Don't Care

  • I don’t care if football players are gay
  • I don’t care if figure skaters pout
  • I don’t care which celebrities marry each other
  • I don’t care about Starbuck’s coffee
  • I don’t care about which politicians slept with whoever
  • I don’t care who loses the most weight
  • I don’t care who objects to what idiots say
  • I don’t care what color or gender the President is
  • I don’t care what the Pope says
  • I don’t care about special effects
  • I don’t care which Arabs kill which Jews, or which Jews kill which Arabs
  • I don’t care

Please stop telling that joke, the one that never ever gets a laugh. You’ve been telling it for 40 years, and it’s never been funny. It marks you as a bad listener. Example, “I resemble that remark.”

When Does It Change?

When does a human soul become evil?

We don’t hold children responsible for their actions no matter how terrible because we believe they don’t understand the consequences of those actions. “He’s only three; he didn’t mean to run over his sister with that shopping cart.”

Are fetuses ever evil? The religious might say that we become evil when we break from god. When are we eligible to do that? 10? 13? When we get our first hard-on?

In conclusion: lick me.

In conclusion: shit.

In conclusion: I give up.

In conclusion: we are all f*cked.

Do any of us really have a choice?
Do any of us really have a choice?
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11 Comments

  1. Richard! I feel like you hate: ME! Just kidding, but I do love UGG Boots & I tend to type “hubby” when referring to my husband, but realizing not once do I call him that to his face. Basically, what you’re saying is: everyone is selfish & self-centered and seems to think anyone and everyone gives a shit about what we do. Everyone judges, everyone always thinks they can or have done it better. Wanna know my biggest complaint? (Probably not, because again, no one truly cares what others think), Hypocrites! If you flaunt that you are THIS constantly yet live like THAT. Either be who you say you are or stop talking, am I right?!

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  2. My rational response to anything just about shut down on election night, and I felt depressed and lethargic, not to mention fearful, the morning after. Reassurances that our new president will turn out to be “moderate” after all have not helped my feelings. That said, I think my sanity did make a slight return the night after the night after the election. I started playing Elvis and Jimmy Buffett and Beach Boys tunes, and learning the chords to said tunes on my guitar. “California Girls” and “Margaritaville” and “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” and “In the Ghetto.” Perfect songs that made me feel a little better about what mankind has to offer. I could no longer force myself to feel bad. Hopefully it’s a lesson I won’t forget over the next four years.

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  3. I have to stand up for Agnostics. You short-change us when you say it means “I don’t know.” It means that too but it more literally “You can’t know.” There is no knowledge on earth that can prove/disprove faith. The rest of your rant resonates with me deeply.

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  4. This read made me miss our late night talks and walks around the park. I love your mind and how it works!

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