Years ago, David and I conjured a caper that we thought would be hilarious. We didn’t execute it out of lack of initiative, but it was still brilliant: have small, blaze-orange stickers printed, about the size of a quarter, with a starburst around the edges, that read, “Now Semen-Free!” Sneak into a grocery store and stick them on various products. Not only is it funny, it’s true, at least we hope.
I thought of that tonight as I decided to have a snack before dinner, which was two hours from ready: hummus and crackers. The lid on the hummus proudly boasts “Gluten-Free,” presumably as part of the every-shifting American desire to find a magic bullet in the battle against behavior-induced illness like obesity and diabetes. When I read it, I thought, “Of course it’s gluten-free. Gluten is a protein found in grains like wheat and barley, and hummus is made from chickpeas. It never contained gluten. It never contained rhino anus before, either. Why didn’t it say ‘Rhino-Anus-Free’ as well?”
The meal I was preparing was a Tofurky, which RandyAdventure found on sale at a health food store in Texas yesterday and bought on my behalf. I usually only have this item at holidays, since it is usually expensive and takes a while to cook, but the price was right, and it just sounded great.
An oddity about Tofurky is that people often ask if it tastes like turkey. The answer is threefold: 1. I haven’t had turkey in about 25 years, so I don’t really know. 2. No, it tastes like Tofurky, which is frickin’ great. 3. Yes, it is both semen-free and rhino-anus-free.
Also of note is yesterday’s blog entry, which some interpreted as negative, despite my efforts to end on a positive note. In fact, overall I am feeling pretty positive about things.
One item I forgot to include yesterday is the odd, hyper-annoying prevalence of gnats at our office right now. Now one has any viable theory as to why we have so many, but they got so annoying that we all put out vinegar/soap traps, and I trapped upwards of a hundred. Despite this number, I am still swatting them away constantly.