Gnasty Gnats and Tofu Treats

This image shows a super-macro view of some of the hundreds of gnats I trapped at my office this week. Each of them is smaller than a pencil point.
This image shows a super-macro view of some of the hundreds of gnats I trapped at my office this week. Each of them is smaller than a pencil point.

Years ago, David and I conjured a caper that we thought would be hilarious. We didn’t execute it out of lack of initiative, but it was still brilliant: have small, blaze-orange stickers printed, about the size of a quarter, with a starburst around the edges, that read, “Now Semen-Free!” Sneak into a grocery store and stick them on various products. Not only is it funny, it’s true, at least we hope.

I thought of that tonight as I decided to have a snack before dinner, which was two hours from ready: hummus and crackers. The lid on the hummus proudly boasts “Gluten-Free,” presumably as part of the every-shifting American desire to find a magic bullet in the battle against behavior-induced illness like obesity and diabetes. When I read it, I thought, “Of course it’s gluten-free. Gluten is a protein found in grains like wheat and barley, and hummus is made from chickpeas. It never contained gluten. It never contained rhino anus before, either. Why didn’t it say ‘Rhino-Anus-Free’ as well?”

The meal I was preparing was a Tofurky, which RandyAdventure found on sale at a health food store in Texas yesterday and bought on my behalf. I usually only have this item at holidays, since it is usually expensive and takes a while to cook, but the price was right, and it just sounded great.

An oddity about Tofurky is that people often ask if it tastes like turkey. The answer is threefold: 1. I haven’t had turkey in about 25 years, so I don’t really know. 2. No, it tastes like Tofurky, which is frickin’ great. 3. Yes, it is both semen-free and rhino-anus-free.

Also of note is yesterday’s blog entry, which some interpreted as negative, despite my efforts to end on a positive note. In fact, overall I am feeling pretty positive about things.

One item I forgot to include yesterday is the odd, hyper-annoying prevalence of gnats at our office right now. Now one has any viable theory as to why we have so many, but they got so annoying that we all put out vinegar/soap traps, and I trapped upwards of a hundred. Despite this number, I am still swatting them away constantly.

I roasted this Tofurky with carrots, broccoli, and onions. I basted it with Italian dressing.
I roasted this Tofurky with carrots, broccoli, and onions. I basted it with Italian dressing.
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4 Comments

  1. “Also of note is yesterday’s blog entry, which some interpreted as negative, despite my efforts to end on a positive note.”

    I often have this trouble with my poetry, which for years I interpreted to mean that I was really bad at writing (which still could be true). But I eventually determined that it was because people will believe whatever they want to.

    In the case of yesterday, however, I think it was you who said: “If there are bright spots on this dark day…” :-)

    On a related note, I once postulated that no glass is ever “half-empty” or “half-full”. It’s either completely full of air, or completely full of liquid, or completely full of a combination of the two.

    (I did not consider the theoretical possibility of bringing a drinking glass into the vacuum of space.)

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  2. You did, yes.

    I could be way off (and often am when evaluating people from 500 miles away), but you seem to be similar to me in this respect: we experienced intense emotions — both ups and downs — in younger days, wrote about it, reveled in it, and then pulled away from it, living now in a more even-keeled state, despite varying stimuli.

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  3. The events of the period weren’t enough, and weren’t quite close enough, to bring my overall mood to gloom.

    On the outside I’m more even-keeled, but it’s because I am better at concealment. In particular, I conceal my anger, since I think it often comes across sideways, and I don’t want to be perceived as a Lee Harvey Oswald-esque lone nut.

    “When you grow up, your heart dies.” ~Ally Sheedy, The Breakfast Club

    My heart is still alive and well.

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