Five Enduring Myths about JFK

“Well I mean …why not shoot a president? ~Unforgiven

I was alive on November 22, 1963, and am therefore an expert on the subject of the assassination of John F. Kennedy. Here are a few of the myths and legends that have been built up around the events that have muddied the waters of truth about that day in Dallas.

From JFK to 'Nam, these eyes have seen it all.
From JFK to ‘Nam, these eyes have seen it all.
  1. The body in the limousine that was shot in Dealy Plaza was made of bean bags and chuck roast. Recently released footage of the shooting made from the grassy knoll area, combined with extensive research at the Barron Institute of Shooting Expired Canned Goods indicates that the actual target was pillowcases filled with straw. It is from this that we get the expression “straw man argument.”
  2. “Black Dog Man” was actually a black dog. After years of analysis, the photograph showing a shape resembling a black dog near the wall at the top of the grassy knoll in Dealy Plaza was ruled out as anything other that a poodle. Only in the last six months, during a review conducted by Oliver Stone and Raul Castro, has the shape been conclusively proven to be a Soviet T-34 medium battle tank.
  3. Lyndon Johnson drank a concoction made from JFK’s liver and synovial fluid on Air Force One en route to Washington. This myth states that Johnson’s desire to have “complete presidential powers, including supernatural ones” led him to consume this preparation. Air Force records, however, seem to point to tomato juice from the plane’s galley.
  4. Playing Burt Bacharach’s “South American Getaway” backwards reveals the current location of JFK. This one is actually true.
  5. John Kennedy had an affair with Marilyn Monroe. A web searching beginning with “JFK Affair…” yields approximately 5,424,000 results, many of which indicate that Kennedy was sleeping with Marilyn Manson.

For those of us who witnessed the assassination, followed by the CIA’s move to “option out” Lee Harvey Oswald and Jack Ruby, were aware from the very beginning that Kennedy’s plans to put a man on the moon conflicted with the military’s desire to fake a moon landing and divert its funding for creation of a secret prison under San Francisco Bay.

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2 Comments

  1. Do you know where you were when Kennedy was shot? I do; well, I know where you were right after. Daddy came home from work at lunchtime, and JoJoe ate on TV trays in front of the television. You were on a blanket, on the floor, at their feet. No wonder you’e an expert.

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  2. My parents hadn’t met yet by the time JFK was shot (unless you count the apocryphal story that they met once as children). My mother was still in high school (Varnum) and my Dad was… in college?

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