Bigger and Funnier

Dream: a television show intro starts. The credits include my name and some of my family’s names. There are pictures of us from when I was young. The director’s credit says, “Directed by Scott Andersen,” and I realize he has stolen my childhood to make a sitcom.

The Perkins Family, circa 1950.
The Perkins Family, circa 1950.

I open a large envelope which I assume is cash royalty from the show, but it turns out he has paid me with the letters that were left over after making the credits for the show.

A talking black crow with a sassy black woman’s voice explains that the show is set on a distant planet, and our bodies will begin to change shorty. After eating the native food, it begins. One of us, possibly my sister, starts to grow, at first sitting on power lines on our street, but later disappearing into the clouds except for her shoes. Over a 24 hour period, we all become several hundred feet tall, often in entirely different forms.

One person on the street drinks a beer and turns into a giant earthworm.

The planet’s leader decides to negotiate a treaty with us because we are so huge. He tells us, “the comic shapes will begin soon.”

On a baseball field, a lawn mower begins to grow into a cement mixer, but the groundskeeper wisely puts it away before it can form a ramp to heaven.

In a 28th-century apartment back on earth, which is very open and made of glass, the crow has followed us home.

As I lay on the floor, my friends and coworkers see me trying to secretly masturbate. I am at first mortified when they see me, but soon I realize earth is now some kind of pleasure planet. In a shower a few minutes later, I am again embarrassed that the shower door is clear and everyone can see in, until I see an old man pleasuring himself with a “fantasy device,” which allows him to re-experience any past sexual experience or fantasy from his life.

I then realize the shower is a also a fantasy device, and I allow myself to re-experience many past sexual scenarios.

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