The Rules

Rule #11: When a balloon pops, always say, “Oh, the humanity.”
Rule #66: Eat rendered koos koos.
Rule #12: Have a beer, neat.
Rule #98: It’s the porcupine apocalypse.
Rule #22: Wear a pleasant blouse.
Rule #7: Take as many naps as possible, preferably inside a tree hollowed out specifically for sleeping.
Rule #29: Always wipe front to back so you don’t get any crap on your under the butt nut hut.
Rule # 90: Remember that when you flip someone the bird, your middle finger is a little penis, and the fingers next to it are little testicles.
Rule #76: “Strap on no parts” backwards is “strap on no parts.” The same goes for “step on no pets” and “rise to vote, sir.”
Rule #16: If you work at a drive-through, on your last day say, “Welcome to the apocalypse, may I take your order?”
Rule #60: See at how many truly pointless things you can excel.
Rule #51: Don’t strain your god bone.
Rule #52: Empty your god bag.
Rule #9: Eat plenty of bitter grapes with huge, chewy seeds.
Rule #44: No gaping. Stare with dignity.
Rule #80: Crawl for all the right reasons.
Rule #77: Don’t fear the reeker.
Rule #2: Party on, Wayne.
Rule #69: Chicks with d!cks.
Rule #4: You should be ashamed of yourself.
Rule #50: Hide the past at all costs. If someone asks you about it, tell them you haven’t seen it.
Rule #4: If you write it, they will come.
Rule #92: Take vitamins instead of food, and vice versa.
Rule #70: Make up lyrics to news themes.
Rule #21: Gimme gimme gimme.
Rule #39: Hold your tongue and say “My father owns a shipyard.”
Rule # 76: There’s already a rule #76.
Rule #2: You’re not good enough.
Rule #95:Use only the kryptonite washcloth to cleanse your soul.

Some blog entries demand human sacrifice. This one demanded a pretentious self-portrait.
Some blog entries demand human sacrifice. This one demanded a pretentious self-portrait.
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