My story will start like this: “David and Shannon met each other… no, those are stupid names. You’d think I wrote this in college.”
Barking up the wrong fish.
I named my first girlfriend’s breasts Frank and Ernest.
I was the kind of guy who missed winter. Even when it was still winter.
“Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?”
“Could be. I’ve been somewhere before.”
“How do you know if you’re a vegetarian?” -Girl
“Your birth certificate has a V on it.” -Me
Hollywood rejected my idea for a James Bond film called, “Brownfinger.”
Chacahoocha National Fish Slimery.
I am like an apple: red on the outside, sweet most of the way through, but with bitter, chewy seeds in the middle.
Dichotomy of sex appeal of hair: my wife has sexy hair, but nothing hairy in me is sexy.
My step-daughter pronounces it Atchafalaya, but I pronounce it Atchafalaya.
“No smiles, no frowns, just get those panties down.” -Real banner on pickup window, June 2011
It’s not over until the fat lady stinks.