My story will start like this: “David and Shannon met each other… no, those are stupid names. You’d think I wrote this in college.”
Barking up the wrong fish.
Modern-day Rufus.
I named my first girlfriend’s breasts Frank and Ernest.
Wifemosis.
I was the kind of guy who missed winter. Even when it was still winter.
“Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?”
“Could be. I’ve been somewhere before.”
“How do you know if you’re a vegetarian?” -Girl
“Your birth certificate has a V on it.” -Me
Hollywood rejected my idea for a James Bond film called, “Brownfinger.”
Chacahoocha National Fish Slimery.
I am like an apple: red on the outside, sweet most of the way through, but with bitter, chewy seeds in the middle.
Dichotomy of sex appeal of hair: my wife has sexy hair, but nothing hairy in me is sexy.
My step-daughter pronounces it Atchafalaya, but I pronounce it Atchafalaya.
“No smiles, no frowns, just get those panties down.” -Real banner on pickup window, June 2011
It’s not over until the fat lady stinks.
did the pickup have those fake rubber testicles hanging from the trailer hitch?
Negative. It had real testicles.
I want a movie about British Secret Agent 010. That’s what they’d call him. Zero-Ten.
Oh, whatever.