Unicorn Facts

While explaining to my coworkers today that a quarter pound of unicorn rump was on sale for just $5.95 at the local grocery, I decided that I would share these interesting facts about unicorns.

An adult and a young unicorn grazing.
An adult and a young unicorn grazing.
  • Unicorn meat is among the leanest, healthiest meat available today.
  • After eating unicorn meat, many people report farting stars, particularly if they leap while farting.
  • The word “unicorn” means “one corn,” since the unicorn will only eat p-methyl-amino-tetra-ethyl-corn grown in the northwestern steppes of Antarctica.
  • Like tuna, a single unicorn can provide sufficient meat for thousands of servings. While roughly the size of a slaughter steer, unicorns are much denser. An average unicorn weighs roughly that of a World War II main battle tank.
  • The Native Americans used unicorn hides to build airplanes and suspension bridges.
  • Many unicorn horns have been crafted into fine swords, most of which remain in service with our soldiers in Iraq and Jamaica.
  • King Louis the XIV had a bowling alley, King Louis Lanes, built for his amusement made entirely of unicorn bones and organs.
  • Before switching to White Ash, Major League Baseball teams used milled unicorn horns as bats.
  • Unicorns bred in captivity cannot read or do crossword puzzles, and often suffer from hip dysplasia and hyperincontinence.
  • Unicorn horns are faintly radioactive. For this reason, most unicorn handlers wear leaded underpants.
  • Like the legendary centaur, unicorns are part horse and part man, the human portion of the unicorn being the genitals.
  • Unicorn meat has several special characteristics. For example, a microwave oven has no effect on it, since unicorn flesh does not absorb energy above about 76kHz.
  • Only two species are capable of interbreeding with unicorns, dolphins and ostriches.

 

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8 Comments

  1. “the northwestern steppes of Antarctica”

    Starting at the South Pole, help me find which direction is northwest…

    “The Native Americans used unicorn hides to build airplanes and suspension bridges.”

    Naturally. How else did they establish commerce with Atlantis?

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  2. They’re also protected by a gay scientologist who runs around with no pants and ends up with Mia Sara after I treat her to dinner and dancing. Life isn’t fair.

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