Death Bøner 3000

Great Uncle Sherry; even though I never met him, it is obvious from his attire and posture that his influence on my life was profound.
Great Uncle Sherry; even though I never met him, it is obvious from his attire and posture that his influence on my life was profound.

From the Blakk Bük…

  • Nothing arouses me or inspires me more than super-slow-motion footage of a laser-guided Maverick missile slamming into the side of a T-72 tank at four times the speed of sound.
  • I like the way granola started out as health food and gradually degenerated into candy.
  • Nothing is more beautiful than the desperate “face” of orgasm.
  • Is there anything more believable than a talking dog on television?
  • July 1999: I dreamed there was an accidental nuclear war somewhere else in the world. Radiation poisoned us all. Everywhere I went, vomit covered the ground.
  • People retire to places like Lawton, Oklahoma, because they figure they’re going to hell anyway, and might as well get a head start.
  • There are too many cookies in my vengeance dome.

Society has become so self-referential and redundant that I’ve rapidly concluded that it’s all made up of seven essential elements:

  1. Sex
  2. Orange soda
  3. Rainbow suspenders
  4. Pornography
  5. Irony
  6. Getting smacked by rolled-up newspaper
  7. Falling from a vast height onto a slurry of razor blades, broken glass and sulfuric acid.

I have a voodoo doll of my own genitals. When I’ve been bad, I put it in the microwave.

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