- Although it’s biologically equal in significance to the Holy Grail, you don’t hear much about the Holy Chamber Pot
- If I lived in a house made out of faux adobe, I’d have a faux personality. I would greet you with, “Fauxloha!”
- Robotmania! I think about 80% of the population would prefer the company of robots over the company of other people, mostly because they smell better.
August 24, 2002: R. E. excitedly calls me to say he is hopelessly lost in Erie, PA.
- Are we to assume that potatoes don’t conduct electricity?
- Some days I only like certain friends. Much of the rest of the time, I just wish they would shut the hell up. I’d like to be able to say they know who they are, but most of the time, they don’t. (Disclaimer: not you.)
- My next book: The Snatcher in the Sty. The protagonist is named Holden McCauck. He wears special glasses, possibly x-ray specs, that make everyone appear naked, or at least flesh colored.
- “I don’t want you to have to talk to ‘muh’ Jamie. I want to get ‘un-muh’ and let you talk to happy Jamie.” -Jamie
- There was nothing I wanted more as a kid than a jar of “vanishing cream.” In the cartoons, it made things disappear. It wasn’t until I was an adult (sometime last week, as I recall) that I realized that real vanishing cream make wrinkles vanish.
- The warning placard on my shipping container says, “DANGER: Contains impotence in every sense of the word!” That should keep the riff-raff at bay.
- I dream I am at a golf course, being followed by small, shiny, metallic birdhouses with chrome pens inside. It dawns on me that they are called, “Flying Penis Modules.”
- Lately I’ve been imagining killing my enemies by throwing them in the air high enough that landing on the ground will kill them. You have to admit, it’s a pretty funny way to kill someone.
- It doesn’t take a village. It takes you shutting the f*ck up.
- “Tra la la boom de ay, I’ll take your pants away, and while you’re standing there, I’ll take your underwear!”
- While mowing one night, I am unable to go more than about 10 seconds without thinking the phrase, “Rabbi Rabinowski.”