It’s easy enough to pat yourself on the back. The hard part is to get the world to stop kicking you in the nuts.

I sit in a stall at Denny’s in Albuquerque, NM, with jelly on my knuckles. There is a bright light above the commode that shines directly on my business, like my constitutional is being interrogated.

Insert the word only anywhere in the following sentence:
She told me that she loved me.

Very few people know about this, okay? After the Lee Harvey Oswald double was optioned out by the CIA, the real Oswald was sent to Burkina Faso for secret training in making terrorist attacks look like Black Ops. You can see him in the photos of the World Trade Center minutes before it collapsed. In fact, I think he was the one who took the photo of that guy wearing the backpack on the observation deck right before the first plane hit.

After planting the Thermite in just the right spot, he got onto a CIA elevator and descended to safety. He is presently in that secret Agency penetration weapons research center in Dickson-Moorehead, North Dakota, which, by coincidence, is the location of an elderly John F. Kennedy, Bigfoots number 2 through 71, and Hitler’s brain.

Dream fragment: Shooting at a complex, crowded metallic gnu range with an ultramodern assault rifle, very accurately. The ultimate prize is to shoot the bottle of mineral water.

(It’s actually supposed to say “gun range”, but I think a gnu range would be even cooler.)

A high school kid walks up to me wearing a t-shirt with Germanic letters “Ubermensch” on it.

Dream: When I flush, not all of it goes down. When I look closer, I see that it’s mostly whole, raw carrots.

After a big meal in a nice restaurant, at the top of my lungs I like to announce “I am one engorged Dick!”

(You have to be named Richard for those to work.)

Facts about left-handers:

-Lefties have a higher prevalence of being blond-haired and blue-eyed.
-4 out of 5 designers of the Macintosh computer were left-handed
-Research has shown that a predominant number of allergy sufferers are left-handed.
-Research has shown that a large number of vegetarians are left-handed.

My butt is left-handed.

Unlucky bloke diabetes
vs
Fat f*ck diabetes

-Sharon Cox
-Sharon Dix
-Willie Dicker
-Harry Cox
-Fonda Dix
-Rod Gozinya
-Willie B. Hardigan
-Amanda Hump
-Willie Layer
-Moe Lester
-Amanda Lick
-E. Norma Stitts
-Harry R. Gann
-Miles Long
-Craven Moorehead
-Harry P. Ness
-Ima P. Ness
-Dixie Normous
-Mike Oxlong
-Mike Oxbig
-Sharon Peters
-C. Mike Rack
-Stacy Rect

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