“I want a lap organ!” -Kindergarten letter to Santa
Does it bother anyone else that “Santa” and “Satan” are so similar?
Pork strudel + prescription fat blocker
Hair pie cocktail
Actual sign at house in Latta, Oklahoma, Winter 2000: “Free info on mind control.”
Actual wet cement inscription, Latta, Oklahoma: “I, Harjo.”
Actual sign in Coalgate, Oklahoma: “Home of Ol’ Coaly, the Largest Rodeo Mural West of the Mississippi.”
January 1, 2000: Armageddon
February 12, 2000: I make pinto beans
“The internet is a terrible place. It’s full of fat women and people who eat feces.” -R
For your information, I wasn’t blowing vapors in the mohedrus, I was blowing Zs in it.
The I Chink: The Chinese Book of Racism
By Star Trek logic, our planet should be called “Huma Prime.” By my logic, “Dick’s Third Nut.”
Saint Patrick’s Day, 2000: I dream there are lobsters in my underwear drawer.
I admit that “Skeeter Beater” is a better name than “Skeeto Beeto.”
Brown eggs are whole grain eggs.
“I wouldn’t let him anywhere near my dead boy.” -K, as Lucille Turdfer
Weener on bun, colon done.
Weener on bread, colon dead.
“He’s weird. He has a fet footish.” -Mc
Hush Puppies = Dog Balls
My most embarrassing personal secret: the first girl I dated collected Smurfs.
Real place, Turner Falls, Oklahoma: Blue Hole Bath House.
J hurt her knee having sex. And on that same subject, yes, I am hung like a horse. But it’s one of those little Japanese horses.
Dog poop was known simply as “bottom” or “bottom mess” until, in 1716, Jonathan Dookie came to America.
Dating certain women is like wiping your ass with a lit firecracker.
“YOU ARE BLANK!” -N, audio tape, 1976
‘Have you ever noticed that the tortillas at this restaurant smell like cum?” -MS
“I’m taking snacks!” -U
Atheists have goshmothers and goshfathers.
“Christians don’t buttf*ck!” -J
People pick up this bøk and read out loud from it, and it’s obvious that most of them read at a sixth grade level.
I pick up this bøk and read aloud from it, and it’s obvious to most of them that I poop at a sixth grade level.
Actual headline, Ada, Oklahoma: Compost Causes Foul Odor
Actual headline, Ada, Oklahoma: Group Organized to Put Come on Capital Building
Actual headline, Ada, Oklahoma: Michael Jackson, Assuser Reach Agreement
I used to could smell a woman with issues a mile away. I had excellent issuedar.
“Good looking bitch who knows how to keep her f*cking mouth shut: Priceless.” -?
“There’s nothing wrong with cruelty. In fact, it can be quite stimulating.” -D