Special Arms Regimental Troops: FARTs. (It’s an implied F)
Dancing is 98% stupid. Nothing else has that kind of stupidity rate.
If one more shallow little bitch tells me to smile, I’m gonna rip out some colon.
Bitch and Flinch, a metaphor in four-quart harmony.
Upon learning that the Concorde had crashed in Paris: “Who cares? It was full of Germans!’ -N
G: “I have a 17-month-old kid now.”
G: “All I did was f*ck my wife.”
“I need my alone time so I can stop thinking about killing people.” -Z
Most guys are just grunting piles of hamburger.
The Dick Tater Center for Advanced Shutting the F*ck Up
“Entertainment Energy for Tomorrow!” -Movie studio slogan, 1958
“Green, golf ball sized chunks of gism shoot from your lover’s penis, ripping your uterus to shreds.” -C, audio tape, 1987
“We had Playboys in the fuselage.” -C
“She writes sideways to be all artistic and all this miserable sh*t.” -C
“We can’t have our dirty balls on your table.” -N
The trick to dealing with hateful, controlling, angry people: don’t marry them.
“I would never have known to put my nuts in the refrigerator.” -C
“We need to go to a strip club and experience true love.” -U
I’d rather have a free bottle of water in front of me and a belly-button outie than a fleabag motel in northern Pottowatomie County.
The Bach nocturne mock knock-off.
“I never tried dog food, but it smelled so good! I have a dog dookie story, but I don’t want to tell it. Some weird form of Easter egg hunting; we were grabbing poop as fast as we could.” -U
Dick Van Dyke: you have to admire a man with both “Dick” and “Dyke” in his name.
Real names of guys at my high school:
Titles for a story about a jerk we knew:
He is a Prick
Dump the God
Patterns of Force
He Drinks, He Lies, Dump Him
The Horrifying Tale of Two-Dicks Ferguson
Behold a God Who Bleeds
Cock of Apollo
The Effortless Protuberance
Year of the Ox
No Cherry in Sight
A Merciless Foreskin
I have begun referring to my laundry as “butt groceries.”
Probing the Love Canal by Ayn L. Raper
“I need some outside insight.” -K
He knew everyone would stare at his crotch because he was getting a cock leer implant.
“You are one weirdo-plug dude-lick.” -Guy on internet who just doesn’t get it
“‘Cause every girl’s afraid of a Star Trek fan…” -ZZZ Top